Attention anyone who basically has stopped taking care of themselves and in general feels badly about things like skin, hygiene, appearance, and just that overall feeling of “I’m human”!
I’m talking about nasty pores, bacne, dry skin, and let’s not even talk about feet.
Okay, so I did something amazing the other day. I got a facial. It was a mix between wonderful pampering and that feeling when you knew you did badly on a project or test, were expecting a B-, but turns out to be a C. A little shame, a little bit wanting to give up, a brief flare- up of defensiveness (It’s not like I don’t wash my face at night or whatever!), and finally, humility followed by inspiration to do better!
This brings me to WITCH HAZEL. Kids, listen up. This is your toner, your astringent. My only experience with this magical stuff was after squeezing the Smugmonster out of my vajayjay. There are pads soaked in this stuff and you put them, ahem, down there and magical things happen. Well, turns out it’s great for a lot of things, and it’s cheap. It’s the baking soda of the skin world.
So here’s what you do: you wash your face, you apply Witch Hazel with a cotton round, and it feels all cool and lovely (your VJJ crosses your mind, just briefly, each time) and then you apply your moisturizer. YAY.
Another use: bacne. Look. I don’t know if it’s hormonal or if it’s all the baths I take with my toddler, or if I am just destined to bacne misery, but it’s been happening. And it can itch too, so: you awkwardly bend your arms to put Witch Hazel on your back and it takes away the itch AND cleans things up. AMAZING! Try this, instead of adding another layer of moisturizer in a rushed attempt to quell the itching. If you are grossed out by this talk about bacne, I hate you, I hope you break out later and you only have tube tops for your trip to CVS, which is then out of Witch Hazel.
Find Witch Hazel near the rubbing alcohol and whatnot in the store.
Love, Smug Mommy
This first appeared on Gossipist on January 20th, 2015.
Smug Mommy 
“You think of your vjj each time” bahaha. I just saw this at Walgreen’s the other day (while picking up more hydrogen peroxide because I used the last of ours to get bright yellow poop out of the couch… payment for smugness re: still mostly ebf 9 month old I am not rushing to solids? Yep. Definitely.) and I almost bought it. Next time.
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Hahah- oh dear- I hope it’s a yellow couch!
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